Alpha Dog. HMFIC. Boss. My way or the hard way. Whatever you call it, one thing we know is that we have that attitude every day. When we come home to (or wake up to) the home unit and the rug rats, we don’t want to be their cop, we want to be their parent and partner. So why do we revert to cop mode?
As much as we don’t want to get stuck in cop mode at home, we can’t be in home mode at work. The comfort and safety we feel — if that’s how we feel at home — may be a series of habitual behavior and responses, but it doesn’t burn pathways into the brain like the constant alertness for danger of working on the streets or in the jail.
I’ve often used the illustration of the lockers and the snake. If you have an assignment to clean out 1,000 gym lockers and find a snake, that’s a whole different stress than being assigned to clean 1,000 lockers and knowing that in one of them there is a snake!
What is Copstosterone?
Our brains and bodies are well-equipped to handle the incidental snake. We are less able to recognize the damage from the anticipated snake. Constant low levels of stress alone — or in concert with multiple high stress situations — can exhaust the natural recuperative mechanisms of the body. Since the part of the brain designed to alert us to danger can hijack our minds and bodies, we tend to be in snake anticipation mode far too often than is actually helpful. I call it Copstosterone.
This part of the brain just wants to keep you alive. It has no concern for quality of life.
With your survival mechanism in low gear constantly, the energy for quality of life issues gets siphoned into energy for survival. Your survival mechanism, by the way, doesn’t care about reality, only perception. You may have done nothing all week that anyone would define as really stressful, but snake anticipation is on its toes.
Does the survival mode care about quality relationships? No: it just wants you breathing. Does it care about your sex life? No. Why breed when you just need to survive? Does it care about digesting that food? No need, just stay alive for a few minutes! In other words, all the things that make for a great home life are being chipped away by the need for attention from your survival mechanism.
Are you short and cranky with your family? They are interfering with your vigilance! Are their demands and needs annoying you? Do you shut yourself off from them by sleeping, drinking alcohol, playing video games, or surfing the Internet?
How do you control Copstosterone? Here are four easy steps to consider.
1. Realize that you may just be a jerk and quit blaming it on your job. However, you may also be a victim of your own brain chemistry. You can work on both!
2. With your new awareness of brain chemistry, develop a routine to dial it back a click or two. A quick workout before going home or soon after, walking an imaginary maze in the front yard, or pressing your hand against the mailbox and mentally sending your crappy day to the South Pole are examples of decompression routines.
3. Take a real vacation. I know it’s hard, but it really takes a couple of weeks to distill your attitude and chemistry to truly relax.
4. Realize that you’re not crazy and it’s okay to see a professional who knows how to recognize and assist with chronic stress, depression, and substance abuse.
Your family is not your enemy. Partner up with them to be the best you can be. Be a warrior for them. They actually love you and want the best for you!
