By Cameron Yoder
Listen, I’m not going to be on your oral board. That being said, however, I already know you “want to help people.” I get it. The pat answer to why you want to become a police officer is both tried and true.
It’s also boring.
We all understand your desire for service. It’s a personality trait that is absolutely foundational to the life of anyone that spends their day as a first responder.
Your buddy, MC, is here to speak truth (with mayhap a hint of snark) into your life. When the big day comes, and you’re at that all-important oral board, you can rattle off the following 10 signs you were meant to be a cop.
1. You can’t pass a donut shop without muttering “Mmmmm….donuts!” in your best Homer Simpson voice.
Look, stereotypes exist for a reason. I don’t care what century you’re in, you can’t avoid the fact that cops like donuts. (*Bonus points if you can tell me why the correlation exists in the first place...leave your guess in the comments!)
2. Any time you see two motorcycles riding in tandem, you can’t help but sing out, “Duh, duh, duduh, duhduh!” a la CHiPs.
Just me? Weird.
3. When you ask your kids if they’ve brushed their teeth, you turn into a crime scene investigator.
“Aha! The top to the toothpaste has been sealed shut and unopened for days! And your toothbrush is bone dry!” At which point, you plop Junior into a relatively uncomfortable chair, redirect a bright light (which you bought specifically for this purpose), and shine it directly in his eyes to make him both blind and sweaty until he breaks.
4. Every time you see a vehicle code violation, you reach for the light bar switch that doesn’t exist because you’re driving your ‘03 Ford Explorer.
I actually understand this one. It happens to me every day.
5. You want to be rich and/or famous.
You will obtain neither of these things (at least not legally) as a police officer. Go be a famous accountant, because you are just too damn adorable for words. Nobody gets famous doing this job. Infamous, perhaps, but not famous. It’s an important distinction.
6. You want to be loved and adored by the public at large.
Once again, you are barking up the wrong tree. Make no mistake the silent majority will absolutely hold you in the highest of regard, but they are just that...silent. The very vocal minority will have you questioning your every move and motive from the minute you walk out the PD door.
7. You want to stop and contact every person that looks like a dirtbag and ask them why they’re in your neighborhood.
Not a very popular perspective, but certainly an important one. That’s the kind of inquisitive nature we need in law enforcement. There are too many of us that just don’t want to bother for fear of backlash, sustaining actual paperwork, or offending dirtbags. (Don’t kid yourself, folks, dirtbags exist in far greater numbers than you’d like to think.)
8. You’ve had so many speeding tickets when you were a kid, you figured you’re a shoo-in for pursuit driving.
Again...just me? Man, this is turning into a “Hey, MC, just go ahead and front yourself of” piece.
9. You have a strange affinity for poly-blends and uncomfortable attire.
You’ll love gun belts and Kevlar.
10. You don’t particularly want to spend holidays with friends or family. Have I got a job for you!
So, there you have it. Ten completely unique signs you were meant to be a cop. Use them during your interview at your own risk.
Also, don’t do that. I promise it won’t help.
