Editor’s Note: In PoliceOne “First Person” essays, our Members and Columnists candidly share their own unique view of the world. This is a platform from which individual officers can share their own personal insights on issues confronting cops today, as well as opinions, observations, and advice on living life behind the thin blue line. This week’s essay comes from PoliceOne Member Steve Fish, an Officer with the Racine (Wis.) Police Department, whose tale of triumph in the face of adversity may inspire officers facing any type of challenge. Do you want to share your own perspective with other P1 Members? Send us an e-mail with your story.
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By Officer Steve Fish
Racine (Wis.) PD, Training Dept.
I grew up an athlete and fitness junkie in a small farm community in southwest Wisconsin. I worked for many years in the construction field until I refocused my career and started a life in Law Enforcement. I was 33 years old, just a little older than most recruits, but my parents had always encouraged me to accept and address any challenge I faced. My parents also instilled in me the need to keep a positive attitude and at all costs never quit. I felt with this kind of upbringing there was nothing I could not do.
I had been on the Racine Police Department for a couple years switching between different shifts and working with a great bunch of hard charging coppers. I tried out and was appointed to the department SWAT Team after being on the PD for three years. I loved working with this close knit group and the challenge of being an operator.
As the years passed and every day seemed to run in to each other and sometimes not even knowing what day it was left me alienated from my family and old friends. I was a “night rider” (Third Shift Patrol) and as all third shifters know sometimes you have no clue what day it is and your sleep is little to non-existent. To this day I still feel there are voids from these years that I cannot account for and they will be forever floating around in my mind awaiting to be awoken.
In June 2004 I was sent on the biggest call of my life and career, a call that would start a chain of events that would forever change me and my outlook on life. I was a mirror image of my greatest hero, my Dad, and like him I hated to go to the doctor unless it was life or death situation. It started out like any normal day, but while getting ready for work I found a mass in my groin area and thought to myself, this doesn’t seem right. I decided to make an appointment and go see a doctor. After an exam and ultrasound of the area the doctor said that mass did not appear to be an issue.
Well my gut feeling told me I should have the mass removed so the doctor scheduled an outpatient procedure for me. The day came and I went in to get the mass removed and thought nothing of it. It was a simple procedure and I was in and out in a short amount of time. The doctor told me that he would remove the stitches and set an appointment to go over the biopsy results in one week. I walked out of the office feeling like I had no worries and went about my normal business and got ready to get back to work.
The week went by and my scheduled appointment was an hour away. I got on my bike and started out for the office but first had to stop and grab the new Cheap Trick CD. I thought I had no reason to worry and was not even thinking about the appointment. When I got to the doctor’s office I was approached by the receptionist and one of the nurses. Now that I think back to that day the staff at the office appeared really reserved and not as vocal as they were when I was there a week earlier.
I was taken into a waiting room where I sat for the usual undetermined amount of time. When the doctor finally came in he removed the stitches while just making idle conversation. When he had finished removing the stitches he told me that the biopsy had came back cancerous. I just sat there in total disbelief and shock. I was thinking to myself, how can someone who was in good shape, worked at staying in shape and was only 38 years old be diagnosed with cancer? This was not the news I was prepared for and it would forever change me and the way I looked at life.
I was consoled by the doctor and the office staff and appointments were set up with my new oncologist and future friend. After everything was set I left the office, still in disbelief, and rode over to my in-law’s house. I sat down with Karen, my mother-in-law, who knew all too well about this disease. Karen had lost her other son-in-law in 1996 to cancer.
Karen looked at me and said, “You are going to WIN!”
I told my family and was offered many different suggestions and solutions. I just wanted to have my appointment with the oncologist and see what my options really were.
The long sleepless days passed and the day for my appointment finally came. I met my oncologist who told me I had Non-Hodgkin’s Follicle Lymphoma. I was told I was in the later stages of Stage 2 and I would need to take some more tests to find out exactly where I was and what the treatment would be. Patrolling the streets and dealing with the criminals who tried to control them seemed to be a welcome task compared to what I was going to face but I was up for the challenge.
More appointments were made and I went through a battery of tests starting with various scans, blood tests and the dreaded bone marrow test. When I say dreaded, this test was like nothing I have experienced before. They have to take bone marrow from your hip and test it to see if the cancer has spread in to your bone marrow. To say that the test sucked would be an understatement. Finally, when all the tests were completed I had another appointment with my oncologist and we discussed my options and our plan of attack. I had the choice of which path I wanted to follow and how aggressive my treatment would be. Without hesitation I chose to attack the cancer straight on and go after it. This meant chemotherapy and radiation, but I was ready for it.
At least I thought I was ready for it!
I liked to work out, and at the time I was 5’ 8’ and around 225 pounds. I was ready to take this challenge head on and kick some cancer butt. What I expected the treatments to be like, and what they were really like, was a huge wake up call for me. I started my chemotherapy. Sitting in a chair and watching my infusion nurse hook me up to what was to later be called POISON was a defining moment in my life. The sessions just seemed to drag on but with my buddy Finn, and Dan, my father-in-law, coming in to play Cribbage, the time did fly by. To this day I’m still not sure if they took advantage of my state of mind to win most of those friendly games.
As sure as the doctor had told me, my hair began falling out and I started turning an odd shade of yellow. I was also physically drained. At work I was temporarily assigned to the Training Unit so I could come in and work around my appointments. I continued and soon completed my chemotherapy treatments and then scheduled the radiation treatments to start. I made every attempt to keep moving and doing what ever I could to stay active regardless on how little energy I had left.
The radiation treatments were early in the morning and like when I was going through chemotherapy I would go in to work in the Training Unit after the treatments. I think that in itself was some great therapy for me as well. During this whole treatment series I was more physically drained then I have ever been throughout my years of various training/workout regimens.
Finally, the day came when the treatments were completed and I was ready to prepare to go back to the road and once again be a “Night Rider.”
I thought the battle was over but it had just begun! The life time battle of living with being a cancer survivor would be the true test on how TOUGH you really are.
During the whole treatment series I had a tendency to shut everyone off from my life and felt I did not want to burden anyone with my problems. I started to close myself off from everyone. Wow! That was absolutely the dumbest thing I ever did but I did not realize it until some time had passed. I started to open up and made a conscious effort to keep a positive mind set throughout the treatment. I still work on keeping this positive mindset to this day. I open myself up to anyone who faces adversity or problems and that it in itself is therapy for me.
I was told that one of the hardest parts of cancer is living as a survivor and that is very true. Every little physical ailment that comes up you begin to think to yourself, my cancer is back. Having a strong belief in yourself, your family, and your friends is the best medicine of all to help you in any tragedy.
It took me some time, but as all coppers know, we learn something new every day and we move on uphill not down. I can still remember being told in the Academy “I will survive no matter what.” That means as much to me now as it did in the days I recited them over and over again. Not just on the street but everyday.
I went back on the road as a “Night Rider” January 2005, just seven months after that dreaded, life-altering day.
The ability to think positive and move on would again be put to the test in the years to follow. I lost my hero, Bill Fish, my father, on May 6, 2006 as the result of a car accident. I lost my strongest supporter in life, Sandy Morris, my mother, from a heart attack on April 15, 2007. So the power of positive thought and willingness to move forward would always change and help me in taking every moment and seize it.
You must take everyday and live as if it were your last. You must make the conscious effort to remain positive and always move forward. If you do this you can overcome adversity and life will be more fulfilling.
