By Mike the Cop
Let me Tarantino this for you: Being the spouse of a cop isn’t easy and it’s not for the faint heart.
In one sense, it’s like any other marriage -- you don’t just marry your spouse, you marry everything that comes along with him or her, such as family and friends. When you marry an LEO, you’re getting all that and then some, including their family in blue and a lifestyle that is markedly different from a traditional 9-5.
Marriage is never a piece of cake. It takes work. There are specific things that will help strengthen your bond when it comes to nuptials between you and that person behind a badge. I’ve thrown together a list, based on feedback from police spouses, and boiled it down to these things you’re going to need to expect or deal with:
Missing minutes
Weekends, holidays, birthdays, special events, just plain ‘ol relaxing – nothing is guaranteed in a cop’s schedule, especially as a rookie with barely enough seniority to have a locker to change at. Even a person who considers themselves flexible will be stretched at times.
This means you’ll have to learn to maximize your time spent together and enjoy every minute. Something about the nature of this job ought to make the words softer, the hugs longer and the time away from work all the more memorable. If you know this in advance, it’s easier to actually enjoy the time given to you instead of squandering it away in bitterness over a schedule that is very often beyond control.
CHANGED CONVERSATIONS
I remember early in my law enforcement career, my wife would sometimes tell me that what I felt was a normal conversation felt like an interrogation to her. It’s not something you intend to do, but it definitely happens. Even worse for conversation is when I, like many cops, try to cut out all the non-essential information in a situation and “get to the bottom line”. When you’re out spending a day with your spouse, that’s not always the wisest plan.
Beyond those verbal shortcomings, a cop’s entire perception of the world around them will be changing and can create a distraction. This goes from where they sit in a restaurant to constantly scanning the room while you’re trying to discuss something meaningful over a supposedly romantic candlelight dinner.
I’ve noticed that the longer my career continues, the more I’m able to control this aspect of things, but it’s going to require patience and adjustments to reduce these types of distractions. Be willing to kindly remind them that you’re not talking to them to make a report, you’re talking to them because they matter to you.
THICKENING SKIN
I suggest you turn on the news or read the comment section in a news article online that involves anything police related. Your LEO spouse is potentially dealing with that life (read: scrutinization) every day they’re working. This can take it’s toll and will at least force their skin to thicken up so they can continue to do their job with integrity, despite the blows.
The honest truth is, it’s difficult for spouses of officers to tell others what their husband does. And it’s difficult to deal with longtime friends or family who have an opposing view on the issues surrounding law enforcement these days. You feel stuck and frustrated. Believe me, your LEO husband or wife understands that frustration and wishes there was something more they could do to take all the blows for you and to protect you from such terrible public perception. As hard as they can try, you too will have to develop a thicker skin in order to maintain a healthy level of sanity in the face of all the criticism you’re going to face. If you’ve only encountered a supportive community around you, that’s awesome; stay focused on those people; make friends with those people; listen to those people. You’ll need them.
I don’t write any of this to discourage you from your relationship with a cop, but to tell you that it’s doable. You can have a healthy and happy marriage with this job if you understand what comes with it, and learn to adapt and overcome the difficulties. Simply put, marriage only works when everyone is putting it all on the line.
