People are always asking me what they need to say or do to get out of a ticket. I always smirk as I pen a response because, let’s face it, 99% of the time you’re getting a ticket if you get stopped by either me or another motorcop.
Allow me to derail your excuses before you start. The bottom line is we are the physical embodiment of your error in judgement. We did not push your foot down on the accelerator. We did not make you change lanes without looking. We did not ring your cell requiring you to answer whilst you drive.
You did those things. Take some responsibility and stop whining. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Or don’t. Makes great fodder for my blog.
So, short of the thousand times I’ve told you to simply be honest and polite, that question is a dead horse. Let Mr. Ed go in peace.
On the other hand, I’m more than happy to guide you in what you should most assuredly avoid saying on a traffic stop.
1.) “I can’t get another ticket!”
Really? I assure you that you can. Do you think you’re the one to break through the MC exterior and reach the cold, dead space that was once my heart using that line? You’re adorable. You may utter those words, but what I hear is “Well done, officer, I am indeed a shitty driver and must receive punishment forthwith!”
2.) “Don’t you have anything better to do?!?”
Nope. Not a damn thing. Matter of fact, this is what I actually get paid to do. Cool, right?
3.) “You should be targeting the kids that (insert violation here) in my neighborhood!”
Right. Basically what you’re saying there is you want me to enforce the law in your neighborhood when someone younger than you violates what will probably be the same section for which you just got cited. I hate to break it to you, but just because you have reached a certain age doesn’t mean you get to ignore the rules of the road. Years ago, I determined the arithmetic mean age of drivers from all my stops over a one month period. It ended up being early 40’s (I don’t remember the specific number offhand). The point being that “those damn kids” aren’t the only class of lousy drivers.
4.) “I had to speed up to get around that car!”
Let me get this straight. You had to speed up to safely execute a maneuver around another vehicle? A vehicle which, by the way, was doing the speed limit? How is that a good idea? Oh wait, you had to get around it because your turn was coming up. You know, in the area you’ve lived in for years and knew was coming up but were too involved in your own world to plan ahead for?
5.) “You’re just a (insert offensive pejorative here)!”
That’s just mean and hurts me way down deep.
If you are looking to cement the chances of you getting an invitation to the policemen’s ball citation please make sure to use them in your next interaction.
However, if you have an inkling of hope that it’s either real close to lunch or time to go home, stay as far away from these statements as you can.
Resist the urge and it may go well for you.
Unless I stop you. Then you’re pretty much hosed.
Question: What would you add to the list? If you’re an LEO, what has been said to you to guarantee a cite? If you’re a civilian, what have you said to the cop? Comment away!
This article was previously posted at motorcopblog.com.
