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13 things guaranteed to drive cops nuts

If you’re a cop, you’ll be nodding your head. If you’re not, you’ll be shaking it in dismay to know people call us for this kind of stuff


Photo/Rosenberg PD

Recently, I heard, within two hours of one another, two separate radio calls for an officer to respond to two different homes because – and I can’t believe I’m about to type this – the caller’s child wouldn’t get out of bed and go to school.

Had I pulled that kind of shit when I was a kid, I’m not sure I’d be able to sit down pain-free yet.

It got me to thinking about the other pet peeves I have as a cop. I became curious about other cops and their pet peeves, so I put out a call on my FB page and got some great responses.

What follows is by no means an exhaustive list. If you’re a cop, you’ll be nodding your head the whole time. If you’re not, you’ll be shaking it in dismay to know people do, in fact, call us for this kind of crap.

1. Calling the cops when your kid won’t go to school.

My response? “Hi! We’re the Parent Police! We’re arresting you for being a spineless parent.”

2. Parents telling kids we’ll arrest them if they don’t do _______.

No, Johnny, I won’t.

3. Parents telling the cops to “just scare” their kids.

Because that’s what you want...your kid afraid of the police.

4. Directing traffic.

Without fail, multiple people will do one of two things. They’ll either say, “I just live over there” or ask “Can I go that way?” To the first question, I want to respond, “How effin’ long have you lived here?! How do you not know a different route to your own home?!” To the second, I want to say, “Do you not see the hi-vis orange cones, barricades, police cars parked at an angle with all their damn lights on? NO! YOU CAN’T GO THAT WAY!!”

5. Anonymous noise complaints.

Anonymous PRs (Person Reporting) gets the anonymous officer. If you can’t bother to give me your name, good luck with your noise.

6. Calling dispatch and asking to speak to an officer, but refusing to say why.

Believe it or not, crime is afoot and we’d love to handle it instead of your mystery call. Be specific or be gone.

7. People complaining about speeding on their street and then complain when I stop them. For speeding on their street.

(This also applies to violating signs in your neighborhood. The sign says “No Left Turn”. It doesn’t have an addendum on the bottom that says “Unless You Live Here...Then Go Ahead.”

8. Walking up behind a police officer without making yourself known.

That’s just a great way to get punched (at minimum).

9. People complaining about kids playing.

In a park. In the middle of summer. I wish I was kidding.

10. Walking into an establishment and having someone say, “They’re here for you, Bill.”

I always follow it up with “Nope. I’m here for you. Turn around and put your hands behind your back.” Inevitably, they nervous chuckle. Then I pull out the ‘cuffs and say, “Do it now!” Then I laugh.

11. Standing on a perimeter and being asked “Is everything okay?!”

It’s 33 degrees and I’ve been standing perimeter for three hours. What do you think?!

12. Being told by a driver I’ve stopped, “You can’t write me a ticket! You’re with Town PD and I’m on the freeway!”

First, this isn’t the 1800s where you cross the county line and thumb your nose at me, dumbass. Second, The CA Penal Code gives me police powers...wait for it...all over the state.

13. On a traffic stop, being asked, “Is Officer White working?”

Oh, you mean Chief White? No. He retired four years ago. Enjoy your ticket, Name Dropper.

There you have it. Some of these are my own, some came from my faithful readers. All are legit pet peeves. What would you add?

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