N.J. cops use humor to warn off drivers during monster snow storm
A massive nor’easter is a great time to flex those comedic muscles
By Amy Kuperinsky
JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Local police departments across the state took to Facebook in the hours before the big snowstorm that’s forecast to hit New Jersey Friday into Saturday.
Most shared weather reports and delivered reminders about snow removal, alternate parking accommodations, shoveling around fire hydrants and staying home in dangerous conditions. As a state of emergency was issued because of the impending weather event, they urged people to keep off the roads.
But some New Jersey police departments couldn’t limit themselves to the usual script. So they went with jokes. (Any boldface type is ours, for emphasis.)
On the eve of the big storm, a sweep of New Jersey law enforcement Facebook accounts yielded long, dense paragraphs of public safety, parking and plowing information.
The Fair Lawn Police Department?
A spare post with all of five sentences:
1. “It’s going to be snowing this evening into tomorrow evening.”
2. “You know the deal.”
3. “We say the roads are going to be bad, tell you to stay home, most of you do, some of you can’t.”
4. “Some of you like to slide around to pick up snacks at 7/11.”
5. “It is what it is.”
The Roxbury Township Police Department has apparently workshopped its material, and now it’s ready for the Comedy Cellar.
“We are expecting anywhere from 0 to 72 inches, with no start or end time…kinda par for the course these days,” its Facebook post announced, acknowledging the wide-ranging ... implications ... of this particular pandemic forecast.
The message also put locals on notice.
“We have a few housekeeping issues we would like to remind some of you, not all of you, and ‘you’ know which category ‘you’ fall into.”
It was on.
“Do not park your vehicle on the street. If you keep your vehicle on the street the town cannot efficiently plow. If they can’t plow, you will be the one responsible for your road looking like a halfpipe at the 2022 Winter Olympics, your neighbors will hate you.”
But that wasn’t all:
“Do not shovel, plow, heave or lob the snow from your driveway into the street or sidewalks. And while we are on the topics of sidewalks… they need to be cleared too.
“Many of our seniors in town could use a hand getting their sidewalks clear. Get your kids out there, if they hesitate, tell them then you’re going to spend all afternoon learning TikTok dances and threaten to post them, watch how fast they grab the shovel. Magic.”
Let’s be honest, some of you will be posting TikTok dances regardless.
Scotch Plains Police took a tack not unlike Fair Lawn — comically resigned.
“So the weather is shaping up a little more and the crowds are rushing out for French toast supplies,” the department said matter-of-factly, alluding to the holy hoarding trinity of bread, milk and eggs (and the inevitable destination for those three ingredients when spoiling is a concern).
“Current flurries will continue most of the day,” the Facebook post continued early Friday. “This is the pretend storm. If you have trouble driving in the pretend storm please stay home or take the bus during the real storm.”
Passive aggression can be good ... for comedy.
“Snowfall rates of 1+ per hour are possible during the overnight hours as we move into Saturday,” the Montville Township Police Department said.
“Blowing and drifting snow with possible near whiteout to blizzard conditions remain possible with this storm system. The good news is… YOU (not us) should ALL be sleeping while this is occurring!”
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