Editor’s Note: In PoliceOne “First Person” essays, our Members and Columnists candidly share their own unique view of the world. This is a platform from which individual officers can share their own personal insights on issues confronting cops today, as well as opinions, observations, and advice on living life behind the thin blue line. This week’s essay comes from PoliceOne Member Jan Cardona-Mosely, who writes about how she and her LEO-husband work hard on the communication in their marriage. Do you want to share your own perspective with other P1 Members? Send us an e-mail with your story.
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By Jan Cardona-Mosely
“My wife knows the ten codes.” I stood only a few feet away when my husband made this statement to another LEO. He had a certain pride in his eyes, one I had never really noticed. My husband and I have been married for numerous years and have been through every single marital problem that you can name, divorce, disease, depression, infidelity, PTSD, and even the job being used against him in a custody battle.
When my husband decided he would pursue a career in law enforcement it was no surprise. He was just following in family footsteps. Having three small boys under the age of seven and a baby girl on the way it was a hard move. I would be telling a lie if I said I hadn’t wished he had gone back to college and studied law or even decided to become a plumber.
Knowing the difficulties of LE marriages, the statistics and rumors about cops, I decided to take a strong interest in police work, starting with the academy. As my husband worked hard to graduate top of his class I worked hard to understand what he was learning. When he came home we would discuss the topics of the day and I would put my brain to work learning about officer safety, criminal law, traffic law, crisis intervention, etc. I slowly began to understand a little more about the “job” and became a little more aware of what we were getting into. Even after seeing patients all day I applied my medical experience to him as my special patient to help with the cuts and bruises. Never once handing the baby off or asking him to help out with homework. In my mind I knew what I had seen and experienced in the ER was only a fraction of what he would be experiencing for the next 20 years.
As my husband has progressed in his career doing investigations, narcotics, plain clothes and now SWAT, I have shown an interest and educated myself on every aspect possible. Even with all the problems we have experienced in our marriage we have been able to continue to connect and understand this simple truth and fact, the job DOES flow over into life and there is no way of stopping it. So why shouldn’t I do my best to relate and understand. By educating myself best I can. It seems by remembering the details it has become easier for my husband to talk to me and open up.
What did you work on today? What are you doing tomorrow? Did you find some breakfast in the garbage during that trash rip? Have the new rifle straps come in? I am a sea of questions about the events taking place on the job. I ask about his co-workers by name and event follow ups as if investigating.
In speaking with LEOs in very unconventional counseling sessions I hear the same thing over and over. “Nah... I can’t talk to my wife about that stuff” My response is always simple “Why not?” Most LEOs have made little effort to bring their spouses into their world. They instead choose to separate that part of their lives and so the brake down of communication begins, leading to one of the biggest complaints from the spouse when the decision to separate or divorce has been made. The primary problem “lack of communication”. It’s no wonder we see staggering numbers of divorce. But this goes both ways. When the spouse does not do their part to understand what the officer is experiencing or fails to open the lines of communication and listen, they are just contributing to the downward spiral.
Becoming knowledgeable has given my husband and I a chance to bond and to open communication so that it isn’t just his “brothers” that he can talk too. Although I know I will never be able to understand the job to its fullest, I know something about what he feels. I share his interest and that is what marriage is all about — showing interest, caring, sharing, and showing support of those we love.
When my husband brings home new information from training or cases, I am all attention and ears. Knowing fully well that he is telling me and teaching me this because he feels I listen and want to share in his world.
What do I get out of it? I know that when it most matters he will talk to me and not turn away. Because he knows I care enough to make the effort. But my interest and effort continues because he has continued to bring home an open heart, mind, and more important, an open line of communication.
Communication in a marriage is a long-term assignment. Never 10-22 it.
