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10 things cops hate

From uniform inspections to being lied to, there’s no shortage of things that drive officers crazy

You want to hear a room full of whiners? Tell the cops there is a new policy.

By Rebecca Volent

There is no shortage of things that drive cops crazy. The challenge was not in coming up with 10 things we hate; the challenge was limiting this list to only 10.

1. Being lied to.

Listen, if we ask you a question, rest assured we already know the answer, genius. It’s called a test. If you pass, perhaps you get less of a consequence.

2. lame jokes.

When you walk into an office/restaurant/business and some idiot says, “I didn’t do it” or, “They’re here for you, Frank!” One of these days (probably close to retirement), I’m gonna cuff that dude up and say, “Joke’s on you. I’m here for you.” Then I shall put him in my partner’s patrol car and go back in for my coffee and let that dude stew in his lousy humor.

3. Parents telling their kids we’ll take them away if they misbehave.

That is your do it.

4. The fact that you think we will let you off with a warning if you have to pee.

You’re a grown adult. Hold your water.

5. Uniform inspection.

Where the hell did I put that &@#$ tie?!?

6. Any change whatsoever...even if it’s for the better.

You want to hear a room full of whiners? Tell cops they have to (insert new policy here). Your earholes will explode from the sheer shrill of bitching.

7. Defendant with a last name that starts anywhere between the letters U and Z in traffic court.

Because the judge goes in alphabetical order. It’s my day off and Mr. Zacheus just got his payback by making me actually earn my overtime.

8. Rain.

Okay, this one is specific to us motor officers.

9. Being micro-managed.

Listen, I love your enthusiasm, Sgt. Recently Promoted, but I’ve been doing this job longer than you’ve been on the department, so I don’t need your help on the 800th fender-bender I’ve handled. Thanks.

10. Heat.

Kevlar doesn’t breathe.

*Bonus for my motor brethren. When car cops say, “It’s hot” or “It’s cold.”

You have a climate-controlled cage, so quit complaining (squeezes a liter of sweat from T-shirt and mumbles disparagingly under breath).

There you have it. Not a definitive list by any stretch of the imagination. Add something you hate in the comments below!

This article, originally published 05/09/2015, has been updated.

Uniform Stories features a variety of contributors. These sources are experts and educators within their profession. Uniform Stories covers an array of subjects like field stories, entertaining anecdotes, and expert opinions.