We’re right smack dab in the middle of summer wedding season — yes, and summer ‘trial separation’ season, and summer ‘I guess I need a divorce lawyer’ season — so for the theme of my contribution to the P1 Humor Corner this month I’ve chosen the phrase, “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.”
Remember, I’ll periodically post new humor content in the secure, LEOs-only section of the website, so check back regularly for new stuff. If you hear a good one or have a funny story to share from your shift, send me an email — we’re all perfectly willing to have a belly laugh at your expense!
Okay, here we go...
Something Old
I’ve heard this one in so many forms it’s impossible to count. Tailor it to fit your audience.
When Johnny got busted, the coppers told him, “Anything you say will be held against you.”
To which Johnny quickly replied, “Marissa Miller’s breasts.”
Something New
I enjoy the cartoons in the New Yorker Magazine — I read that publication for the pictures, unlike Playboy, which I read for the articles — and every week there’s a caption contest on the New Yorker website. I thought it might be fun to have a caption contest of our own here on Police1, using a variety of images we’ve collected over the years.
For the inaugural edition, I’ve chosen a mug shot I found on TheSmokingGun.
Send me an email with your suggested caption. The winner will receive a nice little package of Police1 “swag.”
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Something Borrowed
Here’s a good one I found last week on the Internet.
How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
None. He fell.
Something Blue
In a couple of days I’ll be heading back to APCO — this year in Philadelphia — so in honor of all the call-takers, dispatchers, and “tech geeks” of public safety who keep our communications centers operational, here’s a story I might have heard from a call-taker/dispatcher friend...
We’ve got a pretty small department — most nights we’ve only got two cars out on the streets — and at pumpkin time those two cars stick close to the bars downtown. We get your usual fights and disturbances, and there’s always the chance some idiot will insist on trying to drive home. Around midnight one steamy Friday night — it must have still been 90 degrees — we had all of the above all happening all at once.
Naturally, right around midnight I got a call from a guy who lives a good ten miles out on the rural route which cuts over toward the neighboring town, another ten miles beyond his place. Of course, I know the guy — he’s got a couple acres of land, completely covered by old cars he parts out. When he tells me that he thinks there’s some guys trespassing on his land, probably stealing stuff from his cars, I explain that we’re tied up and will be out as soon as possible.
“Might be a couple of hours — probably after closing time at two,” I told him. He grumbled something and hung up.
Five minutes later, I got another call. “Hi. I just talked with you five minutes ago... you don’t have to bother coming out here later. I shot those guys in my yard.”
I about soiled my shorts as I sent our two squads and called the agency out beyond his place, screaming and hollering for mutual aid for a shots fired call. Well, in two minutes flat we’ve got six coppers from two agencies all over that junk yard like a herd of turtles. A minute later, out pops one of those troops with two greasy mopes in cuffs — caught ‘em red handed stealing parts.
My sergeant said to the property owner, “I thought you said you’d shot those guys.”
The guy fired right back, “I thought you said you weren’t gonna be here for two hours.”
Seriously, we all need to blow off some steam every so often, so I sincerely hope you enjoy this stuff in a secure, safe place, and then get yourself right back into condition yellow when you’re back out on patrol.
Stay safe my friends.
— Police1 Senior Editor Doug Wyllie
