Editor’s Note: In this month’s installment of the PoliceOne Humor Corner, I poke some fun at the absolute truth that when it comes to religion I’m pretty much a [bleeping] moron. I hope the funny factor is appreciated, and at the same time want to express my respect for every American cop whose religious beliefs are different from those on which I was raised. Please know this: I’m wishing health and happiness to all my brothers and sisters in American law enforcement, always.
— PoliceOne Senior Editor Doug Wyllie
Merry Christmas to all! For those of you who celebrate Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or something else... I send you my best wishes, but having been raised Roman Catholic — I was an altar boy in grade school, an usher in middle school, and then somehow I “conveniently forgot” several of the important Commandments throughout high school and college — I simply don’t know the appropriate seasonal salutation for you.
Since I’m of the opinion that the phrases “Seasons Greetings” and “Happy Holidays” have about as much heartfelt feeling as “Hey, nice shoes,” I am relegated to saying... ah... um... Have a nice day? May the force be with you? Your table is ready?
Gads...
Santa is a Cop
Anyway, in the little village I called home for my first 18 years, Santa arrived annually atop one of the shiny red trucks of the volunteer fire service down the street from my house. I’m pretty sure — now that I’m an adult person — that our “Santa” was really the guy who practically lived at firehouse but never went to any fires. He weighed about 350 pounds, and was always sitting on the front bumper of the big ladder truck, eating something greasy, and watching passersby on the sidewalk.
Yeah. Creepy.
But even back then, I thought Santa was a cop. Why? Well, for starters, Santa always knows who’s naughty and who’s nice, right?
Cop.
Santa can look at any house or building and without even thinking, identify the least-secure and/or most-expedient entry point.
Cop.
Santa always was (and remains) the unseen authority figure who kept (keeps) unruly kids in line, despite their devious desires.
Me: “I want to stay up and watch Johnny Carson!”
My Mom: “You’re too young for Johnny Carson, and besides, Santa won’t bring you presents if you disobey your mother.”
So... I went to bed. Ergo, clearly, Santa is a cop.
But, which cop is actually Santa? You decide! We asked you on the Police1 Facebook page to share with us your pictures of the most likely suspects. Send us an email identifying the person in this six-pack we need to call for further questioning. Or, if none of these pictures rings (or jingles) a bell, send in your own photos!
The Groaners
Okay, here area a couple one-liners I’ve been holding (hoarding?) for the past few weeks. Don’t blame me: I heard these from someone I consider a friend (not a funny friend, but a friend nonetheless!). BTW, thanks Chief!
What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
No one cries when you put a knife into a bagpipe.What happened to the two peanuts walking down the street?
One was assaulted.
I know... double gads.
Officer Murphy Returns
Finally, as we all know, anything that can go wrong, typically will, and usually at the worst possible moment. It was one year ago this week that I posted our first iteration of Murphy’s Law’s for Police Officers. We got some pretty hilarious additions to that list.
For example...
1.) It will be a peaceful shift until the exact moment the pizza arrives.
2.) If your shoes are perfectly shined at the beginning of your shift, there will be a manhunt in a muddy wooded area within five minutes of starting.
3.) If rescue requests assistance with a lift the ‘rule’ applies. The heavier the victim the higher in the building they will be.
4.) If you go 10-8 15 minutes before your shift starts your 8 hour shift will last 14 hours. If you go available 15 minutes late the shift will be gone before you know it. But the chief still wants you in early.
5.) The secretary you chewed out for interfering with police business is sleeping with the boss. Meanwhile, the boss you complained to about the secretary causing problems is sleeping with the secretary.
6.) You can drop a $100 bill in the station, and it will stay put for a month, but if you leave unmarked cuffs or a flashlight lying around, it will be gone in five minutes.
7.) The nurse you ticket for 85 in a 50 zone will be the ER nurse on duty when you need treatment.
8.) If you wash your squad car, it will snow. If you’re in the desert, it’ll be a dust storm.
9.) Your time off requests will always be denied when you have something extremely important to do... like get married!
10.) The training course you always wanted to attend will come open during the time you scheduled your honeymoon.
11.) If you need to euthanize a deer, six officers from other departments and your own will arrive in time to see you miss... twice!
12.) The snowstorm will hit the day before the appointment to put on your snow tires.
13.) The animal control officer is always available until you’re on a vicious dog call.
14.) When you are discussing the worst qualities of the chief in your squad car, the mic will be stuck open.
15.) After you have run code 3 for 10 miles in one direction to back someone up, you will be called off and sent code 3 back to within a block of where you were. The victims will want to know what took you so long.
16.) Your video equipment will malfunction if the bad guy spits on you, but it will work perfectly if you cuss him.
17.) If you volunteer to work a colleague’s shift next week on your day off, there will be an ice storm and everyone will try to drive. If you refused to work that shift, you will be one of the guys in the ditch.
18.) Belt keepers are used to prevent the bad guy from ripping off your gun belt, but in a bathroom emergency you can’t seem to get them off fast enough!
19.) You will ALWAYS get a radio call as soon as you take your gunbelt off for a sitdown.
20.) Who knew the chief’s wife kept her maiden name?
And my personal favorite... O’Brien’s Law: Murphy was an OPTIMIST!
Happy New Year!
Okay gang, that’s it for this month, and for 2011. I’ll continue to periodically post new humor content in the secure, LEOs-only section of the website. These humor pieces are scheduled to appear on the first Wednesday of every month in 2012, so check back for new stuff. Meanwhile, if you hear a good one or have a funny story to share from your shift, send me an email — we’re all perfectly willing to have a belly laugh at your expense!
