When people think about mentoring, they often picture a one-way flow of wisdom — a seasoned expert passing down knowledge to a novice. But for anyone stepping into a mentoring relationship as a mentee, it’s important to understand that the best mentoring is not passive. It’s a partnership. My experience mentoring criminal justice students and law enforcement professionals has shown me that mentoring thrives when both people show up, stay engaged and care about the outcome.
Recently, I’ve found myself frustrated by situations where individuals are seeking advice as an information dump rather than a two-way conversation. They want quick answers without sharing the issues behind their questions or the nuances of what they’re trying to solve. In some ways, it can feel like a question meant for a robot rather than a human with lived experience. That’s not the kind of exchange that helps a mentee grow — and it certainly doesn’t create a meaningful partnership.
I’ve been fortunate to have many incredible leaders guide me throughout my life, starting as early as high school and continuing into my law enforcement career. A high school instructor once clarified something I’ve never forgotten: true leadership isn’t just about taking in advice. It’s also about participating, asking questions and giving feedback. That insight became the foundation of my approach to mentoring — and it’s something every mentee should understand.
I’ve carried that lesson with me while mentoring students at my university, both in and outside my classes, and continuing those relationships long after graduation. I’ve also mentored public safety professionals seeking career advice, professional development or help preparing for a promotion. No matter the setting, the dynamic between mentor and mentee is a delicate balance, and both sides have responsibilities to keep the relationship productive.
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The mentor’s role
A mentor’s job is more than offering advice. While sharing knowledge and experience is part of it, a good mentor also commits to the following:
Be a good listener
The most valuable thing a mentor can do is listen carefully to the mentee’s needs, challenges and goals. Thoughtful questions help uncover what’s really going on. Often, the mentee already knows the answer to their dilemma — they just need a sounding board or confirmation that they’ve thought through the issue.
Encourage and challenge
A mentor should offer encouragement, but also push the mentee to think critically and venture outside their comfort zone. That may involve challenging assumptions or suggesting different ways forward. I believe in allowing someone to fail forward, but only when the potential failure isn’t significantly damaging.
Offer honest, constructive feedback
Feedback should be direct, honest and focused on growth — not criticism. The goal is improvement. A mentor guides and advises but doesn’t fix the problem for the mentee.
Establish clear boundaries
Healthy mentoring requires clear expectations about communication frequency and methods. Regular, respectful check-ins matter. A follow-up call or meeting becomes a debrief to see how the advice was used — or not. Advice should be given selflessly as an offering, not a mandate.
The mentee’s obligation
Mentees often underestimate how much their participation shapes the relationship. A passive mentee misses opportunities for growth and can make the relationship feel one-sided. To get real value from mentoring, a mentee should:
Be proactive and engaged
Come prepared with questions and topics you want to discuss. Think about the advice you’ve already been given and how you’re applying it. Remember that your mentor has expertise in the field you’re asking about. Reaching out shouldn’t feel like giving them a homework assignment to solve your problem for you.
Be open to new ideas
A strong mentee is willing to step outside their comfort zone and consider perspectives different from their own. If you’re only looking for someone to confirm what you already believe, you’re not fully engaging in the process. Conversely, be aware of the Halo Effect, where praise simply reinforces a decision you’ve already made.
Communicate effectively
Communication — or the lack of it — is often the biggest hurdle. If you’re struggling, let your mentor know. It gives them a chance to adjust or offer support. Dropping off the radar or giving minimal responses signals a lack of commitment. As a mentor, this is especially frustrating. Eventually, the mentor will be the one to disconnect.
Show gratitude
A simple thank you or an update on your progress goes a long way. Sharing successes — a new job, a promotion, even a breakthrough in thinking — shows your mentor their guidance matters. It reinforces why mentors invest in others in the first place.
Mentoring as a meaningful partnership
Navigating a job, career or promotion can be tough sledding when you’re going it alone. An effective mentoring relationship can make that journey clearer and more rewarding for both people. Mentoring works when the mentor provides a roadmap and the mentee actively walks the path. When both are invested, the relationship becomes not just productive, but genuinely meaningful.
Tactical takeaway
Before each meeting, send your mentor a short note outlining what you’ve done since your last conversation. It signals commitment and gives your mentor context to offer more meaningful guidance.
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