When I was team-teaching a class on domestic violence in a police academy years ago, a civilian instructor made this statement to the class: “Little boys witnessing domestic violence are doomed to repeat the violence.”
When she said it, I looked around the room and could pick out each recruit who squirmed as they contemplated the statement, concealing their truth as I had concealed mine for many years. That truth was that we knew her to be wrong, since each one of us had come from such an environment but, knowing we had choices, chose another path.
So strong was our desire to protect others who could not protect themselves that we received a calling to become police officers. We did this not because of what a parent did to us, but because of what a few special police officers did for us.
Consider hiring the cop born of domestic violence
I discovered long after I was hired that I was almost not hired by my agency because of the sins of my father. Thankfully, I was hired and proved, as many others like me have done, that a recruit can come from an unfortunate situation and still be a valuable addition to a police department. In fact, this experience may serve to make them an even better officer.
Let me explain.
I have personally witnessed officers who have come from such an environment:
1. Take their tactical training seriously.
Having witnessed the physicality of violence firsthand, they train with an understanding of the need, when words fail, to be physically capable of handling physically aggressive suspects. They also show compassion in their use of force, fully realizing that this is someone’s mother or father.
2. Become great crisis communicators.
The de-escalation skills they bring into law enforcement can seem to others to be innate. In their formative years, they may have had opportunities to talk a potentially violent parent out of violence.
3. Take their vehicle operation training seriously.
They have learned firsthand what is happening in the minutes before and after that 911 call is made. They realize they have to arrive not only safely, but quickly. To enable this, they seriously work to develop the skills to do that very thing.
4. Can take a punch.
These officers often can take the physical and emotional punches of the profession because many have, in their youth, been hit hard emotionally and sometimes even physically in their homes and had to carry on the next day as if nothing had happened.
Those who have turned this experience into toughness are like tempered steel. As it is often said, “That which doesn’t kill you can make you stronger.”
5. Can be extremely empathetic to victims.
Those who become police officers after coming from that environment often develop a strong sense of empathy for victims.
6. Recognize the B.S. and just won’t buy it.
Abusers can be master manipulators. They will often quite believably play the victim. Police officers who grew up in violent homes and witnessed a violent parent transition instantly to amiable when the police arrived may be particularly alert to this behavior.
Their insights, earned the hard way, can help them recognize manipulation and avoid the devastating mistake of believing an abuser and placing handcuffs on the victim.
7. Understand why “she just doesn’t leave.”
There is a question asked by many people after a violent domestic episode: “Why doesn’t she just leave?”
Children who experience domestic violence can understand the emotional, financial and physical grip an abuser has on a partner. Those children who become officers may also understand the dichotomy of personality presented by the abuser, transitioning from loving to loathing in the blink of an eye. For the woman, it can make it difficult to leave the loving one and, out of fear, seemingly impossible to leave the loathing one.
These officers also know that leaving can be an especially dangerous time for a victim in an abusive relationship.
8. Pay particular attention to the children.
These officers realize children in violent homes are not only potential victims and witnesses, but also young people in great need of the gentleness offered by someone who cares.
9. Are cognizant of pre-attack indicators.
Having often watched the progression of someone passing from normal to assaultive during their formative years, officers who grew up witnessing domestic violence may have become acutely aware of these pre-attack indicators.
10. Investigate their domestic violence cases thoroughly.
These officers take domestic violence investigations seriously, realizing that living with a chronic abuser can be like living with a terrorist. They realize that a thorough domestic violence investigation can prevent tragedy.
11. Are motivated to do well in their chosen professions.
Children of abusers, addicts and alcoholics who choose not to follow in their parents’ footsteps may exit that environment with a strong desire to please and excel. That drive can make them an extraordinary addition to a department.
12. Can make excellent spouses and parents.
There is nothing written in stone that says a child who has witnessed violence “is doomed to repeat this violence.”
Many raised in such environments have become caring, kind and giving parents and spouses because:
- They deliberately looked beyond their own family for role models.
- They emerged determined to give a better life to their own families.
13. Police can become their heroes.
At an early age, I witnessed two officers wearing blue, each adorned with a shiny badge, bring peace back to my home. Police officers instantly became my heroes, and I put them on a pedestal.
I grew up to become one of them and loved my 33-year career more than I can explain. You see, a part of me was forever that little boy, privileged to work side by side with his heroes.
Conclusion
So never forget, when you are responding to domestic violence calls, not only how dangerous they can be, but also the great impact you can have by taking a few moments to offer a smile and a few kind words to the children in that home. They may never forget your kindness and how you came to their assistance in their time of need.
Who knows? Thanks to you, one of them might grow up and choose to pin on a shiny badge and … return the favor.
