Editor’s Note: In PoliceOne “First Person” essays, our Members and Columnists candidly share their own unique view of the world. This is a platform from which individual officers can share their own personal insights on issues confronting cops today, as well as opinions, observations, and advice on living life behind the thin blue line. This week’s essay comes from PoliceOne Member Daphne Fischer, an officer with the Town of Beloit (Wis.) Police Department. Do you want to share your own perspective with other P1 Members? Send us an e-mail with your story.
Officer Daphne Fischer
Town of Beloit (Wis.) Police Department
T’was the night before Christmas and all through the town,
Nobody was stirring, they were all hunkered down.
The criminals were all passed out drunk in their beds,
While visions of crack be-bopped through their heads.
I was patrolling alone, just my radio and gun,
Thinking, “Damn, this shit ain’t fun.”
When what to my sleepy eyes should appear,
But a burglar in a Santa suit right here!
Now that’s more like it, I said with glee,
Your ass is mine, you SOB!
Quick as a wink I called for backup,
While the burglar tossed his loot in his truck.
On City, on County, get here real fast,
Before he leaves, so I can bust his ass.
Creeping through the backyards quiet as mice,
Til a damn rookie whispered loudly, hey that TV is nice!
Quick as a wink, the burglar leaped into his truck,
Grabbed a shotgun and racked it up!
“Come on you fuckers” he screamed out loud.
“Show yourselves so I can shoot your asses down!”
He cranked off a few rounds and blew a plastic reindeer to hell,
Which pissed off the cops, who said, “Oh well.”
Out come the rifles, the shotguns, and the handguns,
The crusty old Sergeant yelled “so you wanna have some fun?”
Then what to the neighbor’s wondering ears should they hear,
WWIII breaking out — hey there goes another reindeer!
There were bullets flying every which way,
The dark was lit up just like day.
The burglar was ventilated into Swiss cheese,
When the firing stopped, all that was left was his feet.
Fourteen squads were shot all to shit,
But amazingly, no Officers were hit!
The apartment complex burned down to the ground,
By the time all the fire trucks finally came around.
Every bigwig was rousted from their beds,
And they swore to chop off some heads.
The press were there, wallowing in muck,
The Chiefs saw them and said, “Oh fuck!”
“How in the hell are we gonna fix this mess?”
“There’s no one to blame for it, unless...”
So they put their heads together and formulated a plan,
And warned everybody to stick to it, every last man.
The statement they gave was short and quick,
And all the blame was put on Saint Nick!
Hey it was a Santa suit the shitbag wore,
And he’s probably done something like this before.
And I heard the coroner say as he pulled up in his truck,
“Merry Christmas... holy shit... what the fuck!”
